Another Nacho is possible.

In this blog, I am changing from spanish to english. 

Apart from that I am telling things about many many issues, because I lost one blog when I delated the xcsoul account. So now here I can tell you about plans, about problems and about things I've learned lately in this life not as quiter as I expected to have.

First of all. I am happy. I am very proud of myself and I healed from some of the problems I had last years.

After more than 2 years (I lost track of time with this) I am in the place where I want to be. I am in command of my life, I feel I changed and right now I am better at the time of facing problems. And this is the question. I can say I am better even with lots of problems around me. I don't know if I could say the same without problems. I mean when I was on a sick leave at home some months ago I knew I was healing because I slept better, because I didn`t have anxiety, because I didn`t have thoughts (that kind of thoughts I mean). But the final test was to be that way with problems and when I checked that I was able to deal with them properly. Properly means:

-I can't do anything right now or never, so I can' worry about it.... this is another one 's problem

-I don´t fly to the future. I can imagine some problems in advance but I don´t see problems so far..

-I don´t need to control everything. I manage some things but I don´t try to control everything because most of the things are out of my control. 

-I trust my power. I don't compare myself with others, I don't decline my feelings and my emotions. I understand my emotions. I can change when things change around me.

 So now I am powerful. I don´t do this at will. Something inside me have changed, maybe the way I judge the situation, maybe the way my mind reacts, maybe the way I understand the problem, who is guilty, the consequences  and more. In any case I am behaving myself in another way much more productive or at least less painfully.

So I am really happy right now with my life. I am really happy with myself and really happy and proud of all the effort I made to get to this point ( I almost die).

So what now?

Now I have to face some problems and I have to think about what to do to deal with them...

1st I have to act carefully at school. Somebody is going to watch me closely and I can't make a mistake, because I would give them an advantage I can`t afford.

2nd At least this year, I have to change the way I interact with my students. I have to talk to them in another way, I have to keep the distance, I have to hide my feelings, and I have to worry a bit less about their problems.

3rd I have to learn not to share everything with everybody. I can not trust everyone. This sounds too serious and quite bad , but I've been very very naive most of my life, but now I can't take that risk. Saddly you can`t trust everybody.

4th I need to give up looking for love, admiration and this kind of feelings from people in general and from my students in particular. I can't take the risk of being misunderstood again and again.

5th I have to learn how to say no.

So, this way I ask myself..  Can I be happy at work , even doing this or undoing the way I've done things for many many years? I think yes and now that I am writing this words is something I feel like learning and doing. It won't mean I've done things in the wrong way before, it just will mean there is another way to do things. So try.

Updating

 It's 17th july I am in La Toba (Cuenca), with my best friend Alberto and his wife. I've been here many many times and I really enjoy it. Exercise, good chat, rest, and quietness. A paradise.

Regarding this topic I have to say that I am still managing the situation, There were new events (to worse) and I am still doing quite well. Or I should say things are going well, because I am not an active part of the attitude, I mean I don't need to do anything special to deal with this situation. I don't need to put apart thoughts, I don't need to stop thinking about future, I don't need to fight against pesimistic thoughts... I am doing it and that's all.
And just because of this, I've had some imposter syndrome. It's something I would have like to talk to Sonsoles. it's not urgent but I need a kinf of confirmation. 
It's also because I feel that for some people  my reaction is nort normal . I am doing too well. It's more, I think they believe I am kind of hiding my feelings or I am not being natural.

 

 

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